The Case of the Twelve Red-Bearded Dwarfs


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Captain Foulenough

BBC Television Series

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Twelve Red-bearded Dwarfs >

Mr Justice Cocklecarrot began the hearing of a very curious case yesterday. A Mrs Tasker is accused of continually ringing the doorbell of a Mrs Renton, and then, when the door is opened, pushing a dozen red-bearded dwarfs into the hall and leaving them there.

An expert witness is called...

Mr Bastin Hermitage (for the defence):  Now, Dr Spunton, is there, to your knowledge, any disease which would account for Mrs Tasker's strange habits?
Dr Spunton:  There is. It is called rufo-nanitis. The spymptoms-
Mr Hermitage:  Symptoms.
Dr Spunton:  Yes, spymptoms, but I always put a 'p' before a 'y'.
Cocklecarrot:  With what object, might we ask?
Dr Spunton:  I can't help it, m'lud.
Cocklecarrot:  Do you say pyesterday?
Dr Spunton:  Pyes, unfortunatelpy. It's hereditarpy. Mpy familpy all do it.
Cocklecarrot:  But why 'p'?
Dr Spunton:  No, py, m'lud.


The court had to be cleared owing to the roars of ribald laughter which greeted the appearance in the witness-box of the twelve red-bearded dwarfs all in a heap. Their names were read out amid growing uproar. The names appeared to be: Sophus Barkayo-Tong, Amaninter Axling, Farjole Merrybody, Guttergorm Guttergormpton, Badly Oronparser, Churm Rincewind, Cleveland Zackhouse, Molonay Tubilderborst, Edeledel Edel, Scorpion de Rooftrouser, Listenis Youghaupt, Frums Gillygottle.

Cocklecarrot:  Are these genuine names?
A Dwarf:  No, m'worship.
Cocklecarrot:  Then what's your name?
Dwarf:  Bogus, m'ludship.
Cocklecarrot:  No, your real name.
Dwarf:  My real name is Bogus, your excellency.

(At this point the court had to be cleared)